Forgiveness is complicated. Just like everything else, it isn’t just a simple definition that I can give. It comes with a large amount of feelings and memories. When I was younger, I was the type of person that would apologize even if things weren’t my fault. After going through so much bullshit and drama with people, I stopped being such a push over and started being a bitch. It’s not something that I’m necessarily proud of, but I do pride myself in not just giving people what they want.
The past few years in high school, I have learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I’ve learned how to stand up for myself and not get pushed around. I’ve learned that speaking up isn’t always a bad thing. And I have also learned that if people see someone they can take advantage of, they will. Seeing all of the bad people who take advantage of others is what has really made me stick with my gut feeling that being forgiving isn’t always a good thing.
I think that forgiveness shouldn’t be about practicing it often or only once in a while; I think there should be a healthy balance of where you draw the line and where you step over it. For example, I don’t have a problem with people until they do something to make me not trust them or not like them.
Earlier in the school year, I thought that cheating should have been punishable with the death penalty. Not that I had a husband or anything, but don’t call yourself my boyfriend if you plan on secretly dating someone for six months behind my back. To me, that was something that I can never truly forgive that person for. I won’t lie, it’s not like feelings just go away, but it is always in the back of my mind that you can’t be trusted after something like that. Maybe one day (very far in the future) I will be able to fully forgive him for that, but definitely not any time soon. Even though it happened months ago it is still lingering in my head. It happened, and it is undeniable, so it will be the ending to every fight when I mention that time he cheated. Therefore, I will always win the fights. But that does not in any way give me enough satisfaction. If it never happened, I might have a boyfriend right now, but since he messed up, I’ll never date him. I can truly say that throughout this whole thing, he has changed, and he would never do it again, but that doesn’t change the fact that he already did.
I think that people who forgive everyone for everything are people pleasers. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting excessive drama in your life, but I do find it hard to believe that people can just push out those feelings that they felt so strongly. But hey, if you can do that, more power to ya!
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