Blog 30 - Dear Young Me,

So here I am, next to myself three years younger. I look at myself back then and it makes me want to cry. I was such an innocent little girl with high hopes and low expectations of people. The first thing I would say would be “Don’t you dare let anyone step all over you” because honestly, that has happened a lot to me. It makes me really upset to say that, but I have been screwed over by tons of guys and lots of ‘friends’ too. Although that has made me who I am today, I could have gone without all the heartbreak and stress. I would also tell myself to stay away from the bad boys! because if you think they’re bad, they are most likely bad. In my case, I have been involved with this same bad boy for about three years now, and he has caused me a horrendous amount of heartache and self-consciousness. He did hurt me a lot, and he continues to hurt me now, but I do appreciate that he made me stronger. I believe that every person is a life lesson: he taught me that I don’t need all the drama, I just need a nice guy that will hang out and be a good time. Another thing I would tell Young Me is to try harder at field hockey. If I tried harder, maybe got lessons, and put my heart and soul into the sport, I could be playing in August with a scholarship to an awesome school with life-long friends and a sport that I enjoy tremendously. I would say that as much as math kills me, don’t ever feel like you can’t do it. Not only does that apply to math, but anything. I learned that if I really put my head and heart into something, I can do it. I would tell myself to be involved in anything and everything that has to do with my class. Join clubs, go on class trips, participate. I would tell myself that no matter what, do not conform because you think you have to. Still to this day, I don’t wear the same things that everyone wears. I don’t do things because “they’re trendy,” I do things because I want to. I would tell myself to be friendly to everyone, but at the same time, don’t take any shit. I would tell myself not to date any guys, because all they really do is create drama and you won’t fall in (real) love in high school. I think that with all the advice I’ve given myself, I’ll be set. Not to jinx anything, but my high school years haven’t been too consumed with drama or bad things; it’s safe to say I had an amazing high school experience. Right now when I am in my prime is when I am realizing that I’m done. I’ll be done on June 8th and I’ll be at The University of Delaware on August 25th. While I am sad that high school is over, I had an amazing time this past four years and I don’t really regret anything.

Blog 29 - Sorry (For Party Rockin!)

Forgiveness is complicated. Just like everything else, it isn’t just a simple definition that I can give. It comes with a large amount of feelings and memories. When I was younger, I was the type of person that would apologize even if things weren’t my fault. After going through so much bullshit and drama with people, I stopped being such a push over and started being a bitch. It’s not something that I’m necessarily proud of, but I do pride myself in not just giving people what they want.
The past few years in high school, I have learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I’ve learned how to stand up for myself and not get pushed around. I’ve learned that speaking up isn’t always a bad thing. And I have also learned that if people see someone they can take advantage of, they will. Seeing all of the bad people who take advantage of others is what has really made me stick with my gut feeling that being forgiving isn’t always a good thing.
I think that forgiveness shouldn’t be about practicing it often or only once in a while; I think there should be a healthy balance of where you draw the line and where you step over it. For example, I don’t have a problem with people until they do something to make me not trust them or not like them.
Earlier in the school year, I thought that cheating should have been punishable with the death penalty. Not that I had a husband or anything, but don’t call yourself my boyfriend if you plan on secretly dating someone for six months behind my back. To me, that was something that I can never truly forgive that person for. I won’t lie, it’s not like feelings just go away, but it is always in the back of my mind that you can’t be trusted after something like that. Maybe one day (very far in the future) I will be able to fully forgive him for that, but definitely not any time soon. Even though it happened months ago it is still lingering in my head. It happened, and it is undeniable, so it will be the ending to every fight when I mention that time he cheated. Therefore, I will always win the fights. But that does not in any way give me enough satisfaction. If it never happened, I might have a boyfriend right now, but since he messed up, I’ll never date him. I can truly say that throughout this whole thing, he has changed, and he would never do it again, but that doesn’t change the fact that he already did.
I think that people who forgive everyone for everything are people pleasers. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting excessive drama in your life, but I do find it hard to believe that people can just push out those feelings that they felt so strongly. But hey, if you can do that, more power to ya!

Blog 28 - Lessons Learned (Wild Card)

Over Spring Break, I had a lot of fun. I went out a lot, partied with my friends, and barely slept in my own bed. At the same time, I learned a few valuable lessons…

I learned a few lessons one night when I hung out with my good friends from Lacey. Not only are they awesome friends to be around, but we can always think of something crazy and fun to do when we are together. So when a random Wednesday night came, my friends Amanda, Alyssa, and myself all went to our friend Tyler’s house. We had an awesome time, just playing card games and hanging out. Tyler’s friends (who we will call “Creepy Kid” and “Cute Kid”) were new to our crew, but all the same they seemed like nice guys. Little did I know that I had a situation on my hands. It was getting late now, and Alyssa got a call from her ex-boyfriend, so she left to go see him. Unfortunately, Cute Kid also had to leave, so he walked out and it was just Amanda, Tyler, Creepy Kid, and me. Amanda and I decided we were tired and we wanted to sleep, so we went into Tyler’s room and slept on his futon. The boys came in a little after us, but Amanda and I had made it clear that we were sleeping alone. Creepy Kid seemed to have a huge problem with that. He was annoying, he kept trying to awkwardly cuddle with me, and he had bad breath, so I got up and went to sleep on the couch in the living room. I was right on the edge of sleep when Creepy Kid comes strutting out of Tyler’s room. I reacted on impulse and pretended I was sleeping, just like I used to do whenever my mom would walk in my room as a kid. He shook me awake (ugh) and whispered in my ear that he was leaving so I could go back in Tyler’s room, and he was sorry he was annoying. Problem solved! I thought to myself. Boy, was I wrong. Right when I thought things were okay and I was not being obliged to cuddle with this stranger anymore, he creepily slipped onto the couch next to me. This was really starting to piss me off now. I don’t even know you, yet you are going to try to lay with me? I don’t think so, pal. After continuously shrugging him off, I was starting to think I had to freak out on him so that he would leave me alone. Miraculously, Amanda walked out of Tyler’s room and I jumped up and went straight to her. I quickly whispered to her the situation that was taking place, and she immediately grabbed me and pulled me into Tyler’s room. We got our things, and she announced that we were leaving “because of the creepy kid.” I got my keys, and we practically ran for the door. After that, I learned that you should never do things you aren’t comfortable doing. If I laid on the couch with that strange kid any longer, I might have started to cry or freak out or God knows what. It also taught me that friends can sometimes act as saviors. That night, Amanda saved me. And I am thankful, and I hope I never get put in that spot again.

Blog 27 - Unfinished Business

The end of my senior year is coming quickly, and it is freaking me out. The past few months have flown by, and in the blink of an eye, I am going to be graduating. I definitely have a lot of unfinished business to take care of before I leave Central Regional. Out of all four years at Central Regional High School, I have only cut one class. I know that being a good student is important, and I really do value that, but I want to be able to do lots more badass stuff.

Spring Break just ended, and most of the time, I realized, I was not with my own school. I have friends in Lacey that I met at work several years ago, and they have both become best friends to me, so over the break I spent the majority of my time with Lacey Township kids. Don’t get me wrong, they are awesome people to hang out with and they are a really great time, but I want to bond with my school as well. Ending my Spring Break I did get to bond with my whole class, and younger and older classes, too, and when I did I realized that I want to spend lots more time with my peers from Central before I graduate.

Also over Spring Break, I visited my future home at the University of Delaware. Even though I already made my decision, I attended UDel’s Decision Day. It made me really think a lot about how I don’t know anyone at the school, and it makes me want to be more outgoing. I can start doing this at Central. I know that graduation is looming closer, but it’s never too late to make new friends!

Another unfinished business that I have is Calculus Honors. Throughout my high school career, I have not been able to be on High Honor Roll because of Mrs. Keiser’s math class. Mrs. Keiser has said it herself that I am a great student, I raise my hand and ask questions a lot, I stay after for extra help, and I always do my work, but regardless of all those positives, her class always leaves me without a lollipop and an honor roll bumper sticker. By the end of the year, I want to get that bumper sticker. The funniest part is that I won’t even put it on my car because it will be too late and it would look silly, but it is what it symbolizes that I want the most.

Other than those things, I think that I have lived a pretty interesting and fulfilling high school career, and all I can think is that it will get better in college. College might be a scary thought, not knowing anyone, being away from my parents, and being in a totally new environment that I am not used to, but I think that it will be a good experience and I can’t wait to move forward with my life.